Jenna in Finland

In the romantic sense, using the word “love” is a really big deal here. I know Finns who only very rarely say it to their partners because it “feels weird.” If you DO want to tell your main squeeze that you love them, you can say:

• Minä rakastan sinua/Rakastan sua (formal/colloquial)
• Olet mun rakkaani (you are my love/beloved)

Be forewarned: these phrases pack a punch in this country. Don’t use it unless you really mean it.

Who’d Love this Poor Wretch?

I got divorced in 2020. Well, actually, I moved out in 2020 and was divorced paperilla (on paper) in January 2022. I was with my ex-husband just shy of 10 years and married for 8-ish. Since then, I’ve had a couple overly-intense flings that fizzled out as quickly as they started, one character-building situationship, and two “proper” relationships; one was very short and the other 18-ish months. I share this to say that yes, I’ve dated Finnish people and can speak from my anecdotal experience. For clarity: these relationships were with cisgender heterosexual men, although I’m pansexual and have dated people of different gender identifications.

Comparing “Love” in the US vs. Finland

The biggest difference I’ve noticed between the USA’s use of “love” and the Finnish usage is that Finns, in general, don’t say they love something or someone unless they actually mean it with conviction – and they don’t say it very often. You know how on TV in the US, you hear folks talking about how much they love some kind of food, hobby or public figure? Yeah, you don’t hear that in Finland. Or at least I haven’t! One time on a train, I heard a teenager describe a favorite film as something they love, but that’s it.

Let’s use tacos as an example, because tacos are awesome.

In Finland, it’d be more typical to say “Mä tykkään/pidän tacoista!” – “I like tacos!” One doesn’t love tacos, because one doesn’t love a food the same way as their kids/parents/partner/dog. In this instance, one would use either the verb tykätä or pitää and a noun with the -sta/ä ending (elatiivi) to go with it. One doesn’t use the word “love” in this context, because saying it too often feels, as Inside Finnish Life wrote, “insincere, artificial…meaningless.” I quite agree.

When Do They Say “I love you”?

I’ve had a few Finnish men tell me they loved me. I naturally look back on these moments of affection with mild cynicism because those relationships ended, but the theme is that they truly meant it. Each time, we’d been dating a while and had already invested time and effort into each other. These former flames said it sparingly, but with feeling, so I knew it was indeed from the heart.

If I would date a Finnish person for a short-ish amount of time (3-4 months, let’s say) and they started using “love” in reference to how they’re feeling about me, I’d be concerned.

Likes me a whole lot? Excited about me? Enthralled? Enamored? Jubilant at getting to smooch me and touch my butt? All fabulous.

But look, ya’ll: if I’m 5-10 dates deep and 3 months in with someone, dropping the L-bomb would be a massive red flag. It screams “this person is trying to soothe a childhood wound”, and that is no kind of love grown from a stable foundation.

I’m a divorced parent in my late 30s, so I’ve been around the block and got the t-shirt. At my age real, sustainable love takes a long-ass time to grow. Schedules matching is as rare as spotting an ilves (lynx) out in the wild, and the love that grows in conjunction with managing childcare, work, school, post-divorce baggage, and despite conflicting schedules is by no means the same as strong erotic attraction and new relationship energy.

“What Are We?” is Generally Not a Thing

It’s surprisingly common to fall in love and start building a life with a Finn without ever having the “what are we?” talk — the relationship just kinda happens, but this is actually not my personal experience!

In the English-speaking world, this kind of talk is meant to establish where the relationship is going, if at all. It’s also an easy out for someone no longer interested to avoid further time wasted. There are of course exceptions, and there are indeed Finns who will happily discuss these things. My ex-husband, for example, directly addressed this early on in our courtship. I have otherwise initiated this talk in the past, but I’m an anomaly: I’m neurodivergent and have a trauma history, therefore uncertainty equaled certain doom.

After 7 years here, though, my attitude has changed significantly. I’ve learned, with time, to relinquish control and instead see where a budding relationship goes. I let my sweetheart take the lead if that conversation comes up naturally – and in my experience it usually does.

How do Finns Get Into Relationships if No One Says Anything?

When I’ve asked my closest friends, who are Finns and have dated/married other Finns, their experience goes more like this:

You go on dates, and you start hanging out more often and spending the night at each others’ apartments. The vibe is great and the connection is growing. You continue dating and making time for this person…

…then one day you’re invited to their parents’ house for Christmas. The siblings are referring to you as such-and-such’s puoliso (long-term partner/spouse), pari (partner), or poika-/tyttöystävä (boy/girlfriend) and you’re either like “Yeah that tracks”, meaning that you’re OK with it, or you panic a bit and start thinking about your life choices.

Final Thoughts

Upon finishing this blog post (my first in well over a year, thanks to getting a second bachelor’s degree), I feel like the words “love”, “rakkaus“, and “rakastaa” have been repeated in my head enough times that I’m questioning if I’m spelling them correctly. I don’t want to say it out loud, lest I get tongue-twisted à la the Aquabats song “Lovers of Loving Love.” If you dig ska/peppy rock music, I recommend giving it a listen.

If you want to read about how Finns treat romantic love in Finland from actual Finnish people and those who’ve built a career on teaching Finnish, I recommend these posts:

Random Finnish Lesson: Dating Finns

Tumblr Thread of People Discussing Love in Finland

FinnishPod101: Love Phrases in Finnish

Reader, what say you? What’s your own culture’s usage of “I love you” in the romantic sense? How often do you say it? Does using it more often cheapen it? What do you say instead to show love without explicitly saying “I love you”?